Everything you’ll never need at outrageously overcharged rates
Flying Bouncy Castle Disposable TVs Elephant Foot Drier Corded Mobile Phone Re-useable Stamps Self destructing cash register Home Flooding Kit Parking Ticket repellant BUY NOW	The Flying Bouncy Castle New! The New Flying Bouncy Castle is all the rage these days. If you want your child to stay ahead of Jones Junior then you’d better order one toady. The Castle is bigger than a normal bouncy castle, but other than that it is exactly the same as a normal one. Except of course for our secret filling substance which will allow it to raise above the ground with up to 25 children bouncing upon it! Order one today and make your child’s birthday party go off with a bang! Warning: The Flying Bouncy Castle contains Hydrogen and has been linked in the past to an increase in explosions (often resulting in death or serious injury) at children’s birthday parties. As a result of this the castle has not been described as “all the rage” for many years
BUY NOW	Disposable TVs Are you fed up of wiping the screen of your TV clean of dust? Are you fed up of having to tune in the channels? Well all this is a thing of the past thanks to our patented disposable TV sets. For just £50* per set we will provide you with on call replacement and free TV channel tuning service. On average our customers like to replace the TV once a month so that their TV viewing is not interrupted by Dust deposition. For an extra £14 we’ll throw in the plug and the aerial. For another £25 we’ll give you the remote that is dust free for your enjoyment. For a further £36 we’ll send a qualified engineer around to explain how it works and how much better life will be if you get Disposable TV digital. Buy today and get a free cup holder holder*. Disposable TV digital is available for £423.99 plus VAT, delivery, installation, insurance, maid fees, remote control fees, TV set fees, burocrat fees, free magazine fees and website fees. Subject to availability. Plug sold separately. Requires a three-pin adaptor (also sold separately). *Subject to a small fee.
BUY NOW	Elephant Foot Drier How many times has your elephant mashed water and dead plants into your carpet? Is there any way to stop this happening? There is now! For just £45,000 you can have our patented foot-drying machine. Simply place elephant’s feet into drying apparatus and flip the switch. 4 hours later* he will be clean and dry, ready to enter the house. Effectiveness is unsubstantiated, do not use on cats, dogs, mice, humans, plants, elephants, trains, planes, automobiles, radishes or pork pies. Links to cancer in elephants are unproven. This product is not patented. Price is not inclusive of VAT.
BUY NOW	Corded Mobile Phone – Never loses signal! Fed up of losing signal? Our new-corded mobile phone banishes signal loss to the dark ages. For a mere £25 you can have roaming for 25miles with our 25-mile cord. Recommended that only one per household be used. The rise in cases of strangulation has not been successfully linked to this product.
BUY NOW	Re-usable Stamps Stamps you can use again and again (provided you get the recipient to send it back). These Stamps are not legally recognised in Great Britain, Ireland or France. Only £45 per stamp. Reusable stamps are only available in Great Britain, Ireland and France.
BUY NOW	The Self-Destructing Cash Register We proudly announce the best defence against shop crime to date. The cash register that self-destructs if you type in the wrong code three times. From the makers of the self-destructing credit card (see catalogue page 45), The self-destructing cash register incinerates all contents so that the thief can’t possibly gain from its theft. If that wasn’t enough the cash register is fitted with an acid spray to severely hurt the thief after theft.
BUY NOW	Home Flooding Kit Fed up of everyone else getting the attention from the news crews about the flooding just because they live on a flood plain? Now you can flood your house and make it look realistic with our real sewage smells, water and dead animal & leaf pieces. For just £450 get enough water and sewage to flood up to 3m deep in the average semi detached house.
BUY NOW	Parking Ticket Repellent For just £10 spray your car with parking ticket repellent. Not only will the traffic warden be too disgusted by the smell to go anywhere near the car but should he get close enough to place a ticket the spray will melt it away without a trace. It also repels birds and cats. Melts away bird droppings and deters car theft. Product should not be used around children or elderly people, in the rain, snow or hail. Allegations that parking ticket repellent is unlawful and dangerous to health & the environment are circumstantial.
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This page was originally created by Doive Designs for the Doive Net UK in 2000. None of the products on this page are real and are therefore not available to buy.