"Beware the Ides of March" is possibly the best advice (supposed) literary great Shakespeare ever came up with but proving that the Doive Net is 101 times better than he ever was we decided to do a whole section of advice that really doesn't need to be stated.

2 Never Swim with Hungry Sharks

3 Never cook at your Son's Barbeque in the nude

4 Never cook at your Daughter's Barbeque in the nude

5 Never cook at your Boss' Barbeque in the nude
(unless you want to get fired)

6 Never Chop off your leg or arm just to see what it's like

7 Never Shave Your Groin with a knife ( Especially if you're male)

8 Never lie if you're in a Sit-com or a Soap

9 If clothes don't fit when you try them on in the shop - don't buy them!

10 Never eat your Parents (If there is no sauce)

11 Never eat your spouse (If there is no sauce)

12 Never eat a live hamster (If there is no sauce)

13 Never Attack a policeman with a loaded Banana

14 Never break in to your own home

15 Never argue with a woman (you can’t win)

16 Never stab yourself with a rusty needle

17 Never use your own bellybutton as an ashtray

18 Never use your spouse's bellybutton as an ashtray

19 Never say " What could go wrong " If you do ,
It will add to the humiliation when something does

20 Never buy a used Bomb

21 Never buy pre-chewed food

22 Never buy a second hand car from a guy who smirks whenever you
mention the breaks

23 Never eat pre-chewed food

24 Never press the red button

25 Never ask a guy running towards you at high speed with a knife to slow
down or he might hurt someone

26 Never ask a psychopathic killing machine why he did it

27 Never eat dog food

28 Never eat cat food

29 Never go to see a film with an “All star cast “

30 Never watch a musical

31 Never take drugs

32 Never smoke

33 Never smoke drugs

34 Never speed in a car

35 Never attempt to speed in a milk float

36 Never put your dog in a microwave to warm it up

37 Never play squash with a nuclear war head

38 Never put a nuclear war head in the microwave

39 Never try to change your girl/boyfriend (unless there’s a 2 for 1 sale)

40 Never put your girl/boyfriend in a microwave to warm her/him up

51 Never make love in a microwave

52 Never make love in a nuclear reactor core

53 Always wear shoes in a china shop when there is a bull around

54 Eat at Joes

55 Never go to see the sequel to a film that was good

56 Never cut out your heart to do a biology practical

57 Never dye your hair pink

58 Never Set fire to your clothes to destroy the evidence when you're
still wearing them

59 Never Steal your own car

60 Never Steal your own car and burn it out

41 Never tell a blabber-mouth your secrets

42 Never make love in a transparent lift at Saturday lunch time in a busy mall

43 Never eat red cucumbers

44 Never claim to be the person you're talking to

45 Never drink and drive

46 Never drink and drive in a busy mall

47 Never shoot a rabbit at an animal cruelty convention

48 Never buy , what the salesperson says, is a once in a lifetime deal

49 Never drop your computer (trust me they break)

50 Never add “butt” to the end of a sentence
(people will think you come from the valley’s)

61 Never give stale donuts to charity

62 Never deliberately set fire to your own house
(especially If you don't have insurance)

63 Never Buy a Hanson record

64 Never call a CD a Record

65 Always put Hanson records or CDs you have in your posession in
the microwave

66 Never get in a lift with no floor

67 Never apply to be on a Dale Winton Show

68 If you find yourself in a film, never say you look forward to
seeing your family

69 Never fight a boxing champion for the TV remote
(unless you are also a boxing champion)

70 Never appear on a Dale Winton show

71 Never agree to be in a Hanson video

72 Never let your house to a man with a major diarrhoea problem

73 Never let your house to a woman with a major diarrhoea problem

74 Never tell James Bond your planning to take over the world.

75 Never tell the police where and when you're going to kill them and
then ask them to bring popcorn (They'll definitely forget the popcorn)

76 Never ask your partner to tell the truth about why they were out so
late last night

77 Never admit to watching Big Brother 3

78 Never tell my brother that he's right
(because he'll never shut up about it)

79 Never give a rabbit a cigarette

80 Never mistake a rabbit for a cigarette

81 Never accept a cigarette from a rabbit

82 Never buy your clothes from a shop called "Holes r us"

83 Never Eat your own leg out of boredom because it can
make driving to the hospital quite difficult.

84 Never Start something that ...

85 Never leave the receipt for an expensive item in your
jeans pocket before doing the washing

86 Never tell your boss you only come here for the money

87 Never tell your boss that they look gay, unless they are

88 Never tell your boss that you hate the way they look

89 Never tell a woman that you hate the way she looks

90 Never tell a biker that you think their appearance looks tacky

91 Never talk to Dale Winton

92 Never mention .... Noel Edmunds (except when giving this advice)

93 Never declare war on a country that's bigger than you

94 Never eat Raw Carrot, Celery, Brocolli or Cabbage

95 Never eat anything that is Virtually Fat Free

96 Never assume that if food is 96% fat free that it i better for you
than the normal product that doesn't say that

97 Never streak a strip joint

98 Never streak at your parent's anniversary do

99 Never watch your parents streaking

100 Never place your head in a machine that says " HEAD REMOVER" on it